my phone needs a breathalizer
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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