I wish I could teleport
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
