We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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