i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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