Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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