Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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