so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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