You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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