I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
