I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Randomize
