She said her name was "party"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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