life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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