I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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