I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
