My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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