if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
