i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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