I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
