I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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