Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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