Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
