I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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