just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Randomize
