I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
