you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
