I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
