How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
