She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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