Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
