I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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