I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
