Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My liver just had a heart attack.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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