So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
