I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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