Well apparently he's into motor boating.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
