you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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