She is in my trunk
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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