can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
