Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
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