i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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