My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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