Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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