this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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