man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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