Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
