Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
