I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
