I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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