Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
