I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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