She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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