it wasn't lemon gatorade
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
