Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
