I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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