headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
