we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
