My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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